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Love Hurts!

Suzie (not her real name) called me on Skype and cried, “Love hurts!”

“What happened?”

“He’s broken up with me!”

I knew Suzie needed another mental adjustment; I’d been working with her for a couple of days. I said to her, “You say love hurts, but it doesn’t. Love often gets a bad rap and is blamed for things it has no connection to. It’s not love that hurts, but your own feeling bad about the breakup that hurts. And your job is to turn things around.”

I told her, “It seems natural to complain that love hurts or love sucks because of the breakup. Now, the reality is that things happen, life goes on, people change and you two break up. The anguish, the agony seems unbearable. The pain is so intense you can barely stand it. It sucks so much you turn you focus on the other person, blaming him for your feelings. ‘You heartless #@%&*$#@!’ and other choice words. You unleash your wrath on him. You even vent to your friends in person, in texts and even dump it on complete strangers on social media. And you even blame love!”

Suzie nodded, saying with a snarl, “Yeah, I’ve done that. The bastard really hurt me. Like I said, love hurts!” By the look on her face, I could tell Suzie was getting angry.

I calmly continued, “Suzie, where did this misery come from? Your boyfriend? Think about it. Go ahead, take a moment and really think about it. These ugly feelings didn’t come from him or even from love gone bad as some people tend to think, as if love can spoil like milk gone sour. It came from inside that thing encased in your skull, and the process that happens there. Yes, your brain, your thoughts. And your feelings.”

I saw Suzie’s head slowly nod. But suddenly she asked, “Why does he prefer porr me? Why is he always flirting with other women?”

“Suzie, these very thoughts trigger unpleasant feelings inside you. They feed the ugly thoughts that feed the ugly feelings. It’s a cycle that needs to be stopped”

“You’re damn right they’re unpleasant and ugly,” said Suzie with a frown.

I nodded and went on, “These thoughts and feelings come from your perception that you have lost your worth and value, which by the way is far from the truth. You were born worthy and loved and you have it in you at all times. If you think that you lost it, it’s kinda, sorta not your fault because you were raised to develop such a belief that you can lose your worth and value from a very young, tender age. But it doesn’t have to be that way, you don’t have to hang on to that belief. That’s the beauty of being human, we are destined to change, if we choose to make it happen.”

“So how do I change this?” Suzie asked and added  “because I am seriously tired of feeling ugly and miserable.”

“Suzie, you know in your soul that you’re a better person, you know the big YOU exists and you want to reconnect with who you really are – loveable, worthy and valued.The first thing to do is to be mindful of your feelings when something triggers you.””

Suzie interrupted me, “Okay, so what do I do?

I told Suzie to repeat after me each statement and to feel them:

~My boyfriend prefers porn over spending time with me.

~I feel disregarded and unworthy.

~I have a tendency to revert to my old habit of lashing out.

~ I am learning to catch this thought and remind myself that regardless of what my boyfriend says or does, I have value and worth and I am lovable and I love myself.

~If I have trouble resonating with such thoughts I can always take the time to find better feeling thoughts.

~Breathing helps me to align with better feeling thoughts.

~Whatever negative feelings I have, they are MY feelings.

~I CAN change them by thinking differently.

~Even though my boyfriend prefers porn over me, there are people who like spending time with me.

~And it isn’t as though my boyfriend watches porn all the time, he does spend time with me.

~I enjoy those times because he is attentive to me and I to him.

~I feel like I know the truth about me.

~The truth about my worth and value, I can feel it.

~I remind myself that I can feel good without my boyfriend’s attention.

~It feels like freedom to be independent of his attention.

~I think I can focus on this feeling of goodness and enjoy it

~Because it doesn’t depend on my boyfriend’s behavior at all.

~This means I can feel good no matter what.

~This feels good, it feels like relief.

~I congratulate myself for learning how to control my emotions and my life.”

~ Breathe…

Suzie repeated each statement after me. After she took a deep breath she said, “I feel better. Thank you.”

I said, “Remember your first love and what that FELT like. Giddy, the butterflies in the gut, the high of being on Cloud 9. Just think about the person who triggered these feelings…Apply all your senses to this little trip down memory lane.”

“Yeah, I remember what it was like,” Suzie grudgingly replied. “I recall how I trembled just by hearing his voice, seeing him, being near him. I remember what it was like for me to say “I love you” for the first time. I can sense that affection as if I am there again.”

At this point Suzie had her eyes closed and seemed to be immersed in the image. She nodded and a small smile brightened her face.

I saw Suzie uplifted from her crappy feelings. Her face lit up. l was glad to help her recall who she really is: happy, blissful, powerful, beautiful…

I know that with practice of the skills I’m teaching her, Suzie will be able to achieve her goals and find the man of her dreams. Anyone who is determined to succeed in their personal life can do the same.

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